THE KYIV BURP. Volume 1, number 2
05/06/2002 | Borys Karmeluk
PARLIAMENTARY ANTI-MAFIA GROUP SUFFERS MAJOR SETBACK
Kyiv, Today (UP-IP) “Lies, lies,” shouted Rada Deputy Hryhoriy Nomentionko as he was dragged into a waiting police van this morning from the Rada building. According to interviews with law enforcement officials and the local hot dog seller on the corner, Mr. Nomentionko was arrested in a sting operation conducted by the Veselka publishing house. Nomentionko was approached by a group of undercover children posing as Italians who offered him a bribe of 800 billion lira if only he would change his shirt. Suspecting foul play, the head of the Rada’s “Anti-Mafia” Group resisted his natural instincts to take the money and run, as his colleagues afterwards speculated, and most likely demanded more. The undercover children then blew the proverbial whistle on him. In rushed the MVD troops, the tax police, the Presidents representative in the Rada, Ms. Viterenko, three psychiatrists from the Stukach and Son Institute on Criminal Behavior, (Antigua), four SBU Generals and two representatives of Freedom House accompanied by a lonely USAID employee. Mr. Nomentionko was dragged screaming to the armored police van. The Burp is following the story closely. As more details emerge we will keep you posted.
BEK-TEK AUTHENTICATES GETTYSBURGADDRESS
Rural Virginia(UP-IP) In a sensational announcement last night, the Bek-Tek company told UP-IP news that it was indeed Abraham Lincoln who gave the famous Gettysburg Address. The tone and continuity of the speech proves without a doubt that these were in fact Lincoln’s words and they were not edited.” This might put to rest lawsuits filed by the Ukrainian President Kuchmer and the Prosecutor General of Ukraine Netreben’ko that “the Gettysburgspeech was specially edited by the forces of evil” in order to discredit Jefferson Davisiuk, the then President of the Confederate States of America.
The Gettysburgspeech was secretly taped by Charlie Melnychenko, a great, great Grandfather of Mykola, “the Major,” and remained hidden in the family safe in an unnamed European country. When his great, great, very great Grandson, Mykola, revealed that he had taped the conversations of Kuchmer, the kaka hit the fan in Kyiv. President Kuchmer ranted and raved for months that he never said a word in his office. Mr. Netreben’ko glared at reporters for months and told them to “screw off” when asked about the recordings. Then in June 2001, the now famous Gettysburglawsuit was filed in California. The well known investigative firm of Krollie, Krollie and Krollie were hired by President Kuchmer’s son-in-law, Pinch Youk to investigate this case. “Krollie” spokesperson Cherkassiuk, informed the media that “it was highly unlikely that Lincolncould have said what he said given the size of the stage in Gettysburgand the direction of the wind. Azeri audio experts hired by Krollie to authenticate the tapes defiantly proclaimed that it was all ‘Armenian bullshit.’” The Bek-Tek experts have now told Krollie to suck on CD’s.
LVIV, TERNOPIL OBLASTS JOIN NATO
Lviv (UP-IP) Tomorrow. In a move which might anger Moscow, Kyiv, Peoriaand Baghdad, two Western oblasts of Ukraine, Lviv and Ternopil, were officially admitted into NATO last night. In a quaint ceremony at NATO headquarters, Belgian skinheads, accompanied by aging members of the OUN and Libyan sorcerers chanted incantations. A choir of veterans of the SS Division Halychyna held a solemn concert in nearby Paris. Conducted by French Presidential candidate Le Pen , the choir sang such all time favorites as “The Horst Wesel Song” and “I Did It My Way.”
DONETSK, LUHANSK OBLASTS JOIN SICILY
Donetsk(UP-IP) Day before yesterday. The recently appointed heads of the Presidential administrations in Donetsk and Luhansk oblasts, Don.Vito Corllione and Don ‘Sonny’ Genovese, held a press conference yesterday afternoon at which they announced that "“according to the wishes of their paisan these two regions of Ucraina will join the region of Sicily as “full fledged members. No questions asked. You capice?.” The head of the often maligned ‘Donetskclan’, Mr. Mulmulian, cheerfully applauded this decision saying that it “was the will of the people.” “We now will press to make Italian and Russian the official languages of our region.” He added, gleefully rubbing his hands.
The press conference was blessed by the hastily appointed Roman Catholic Bishop of Donetsk, Monsignor Yefrem Zviagilone who gave a rousing sermon about the evils of Zionism and our MotherChurch.
KUCHMER IN CONCERT
In a rare public performance, President Leonid Kuchmer took to the stage of the Ukraina Palace of Culture last night with an evening of guitar playing and a compulsory sing along. Performing with him were the “Happy Kuchmeroids” underage girls choir conducted by V. Lytvym. The President began the evening with a solo guitar rendition of his favorite song “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden”. Then the ever popular “Bankivsky Quartet” consisting of M. Netrebenko, L. Stukach, M. Assarov and Y. Kwawchenko, sang a medley of oldies but goodies, including “ Georgians on My Mind”, “I’d Rather be a Hammer than a Nail”, “Money, Money, Money” and the like. According to TV station “1 Plus 1” the evening was an unmitigated success.
Classified Ads
Buddhist Vegetarianrestaurant in Hamburg, Germanylooking for young, firm breasted, long legged waitresses to service customers. Write to Vasia Shmarovoz, Odessa, Derebasivska 18. Please include photo in natural state. Good pay, airfare paid for by the Buddhist himself.
Kamaz truck rental agencylooking for experienced drivers with past criminal record. Please call Yura Kwawchenko for interview at 667-9890.
Need a green card? Who doesn’t. Lonely INS officer is willing to make a deal. Meet me by the US Embassy every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 1900. Ask for Pete.
SBU is now hiring informers.Good pay. Easy work. Call Marina Ostabenko at the press office, or come in unescorted while you still have the chance. Have a shot with us. We can be found on Beria (formerly Volodymyrska) Street. You’ll be glad you did.
Will the owner of a bullet riddled JeepCherokee please remove the bodies inside. Jeep is parked in front of the Budapest Casino on Leontovich street. It has been there a week and is beginning to stink.
Passionate grandmotherlooking for meaningful oral sex with nationally conscious man (men). Call Baba Parasia in Bila Tserkva at (066) 55-69-12. (ZaYeDu members should not call.)
Foreign Minister needed.Please send resume, two photo’s and 50 nonrefundable bucks to Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Mykhaylivska Square. Applicants must be 15 years or older, have knowledge of a language, some education and comb their hair straight back.
Discounted Mercedes 600series. Straight from Albania. A real steal of a deal! First come, first served. Cash only. See Dima Tabachnikov at Gas Station on Victory Boulevard.
Former Prosecutor Generallooking for companionship. Likes to play hide and seek. Favorite movie is “The Confession.” Call Misha at 229-9090.
The “Happy Kuchmeroids” girls choir will hold a practice session Friday night at the National Bank building. Choir director, Yura Lytvym will be on hand to provide protection and a cover-up if needed. All retrogrades welcome.
The Russian embassyin Kyiv is holding its regular Friday night raffle. First prize this week is dinner with the Ambassador himself. Second prize is two dinners with him.
The Ministry of Defenseand UkrSpetzExport are holding a public auction on Saturday. Slightly used BTR’s, a few passive radar systems, tons of small arms and munitions will be available for the “do it yourself arms dealer.” Call the Israeli embassy for further details. Varennyky will be served.
The Ukrainian-Iraqi Radar Societywill hold its annual folk dance contest this week in Donetsk. Judging the choreography will be People’s Deputy Leonid Stukach , while the Director of the “Topaz” factory will present the “Golden Kolchuga” award to the winners. Americans are not invited.
A new chain of laundries is set to open in Kyiv, Odessaand Dnipropetrovsk. The “Volkiv Laundry Company” registered in the Cayman Islands, will host an open house for investors this Sunday afternoon from 1300-1600 hrs. Belgians are not invited.
Igoryok, call your realtor in Florida. Love, Mother-in-law.
Lost in the vicinity of the Crazy Horse Night Club last Saturday night. An end user certificate for two aircraft carriers, 200,000 Kalashnikov automatic rifles, 80 tons of ammunition and 417 young boys. The end user named on the certificate is the Vatican. Please return to Andriy Stukach c/o Kyivsky Telegraph. Reward will be paid in bucks, big bucks.
Igoryok,ITERA called, they sounded angry. Beg them for forgiveness. Mother-in-law.
Will the ownerof two luminescent suitcases with Arabic writing on the sides please claim them from the lost property office in BorispilAirport. Urgent. Otherwise they will be sold at a very private auction.
USAmbassador to Ukraine, Carlos Paskualenko,is hosting a “find the reforms” children’s party this Sunday afternoon. Children of leading Ukrainian officials will scamper about the Ambassadors residence looking for signs of economic reform in Ukraine. The first child to find such evidence will be turned over to the FBI for questioning and DNA testing.
The law firm of Screwem and Howe is offering lectures on “Ukrainian taxation and the price of oranges- tips for the private Ukrainian orange grower.” Make reservations today. Fee for entire 15 minute lecture is $ 5,000. Call 334-9898, ask for Luigi.
The “Jolly Roger and Kum” CD and DVD company is having a fire sale this Friday evening. Bring the children and not too much cash. “If you can’t trust the Jolly Roger, Whom Can you Trust?” Salewill be in the usual spot. For further details and special orders call Captain Hookovich at (44) 12445 44567890.
The Communist Party ladies auxiliary no. 789 in Troishchyna is holding a Saturday evening barbecue. “Bush legs” will be the special on the menu. The guest cook will be the world renowned Walter Kaganovich. Invite your proletariat friends! “Arise yea prisoners of starvation, Arise yea toilers of the earth…” Bring your own pitchforks.
The Kyiv Burp (pardon) is put together now and then by who knows whom and for no good reason whatsoever. If you have nothing useful to do then you can contact us at:
Kyivburp307@hotmail.com
Kyiv, Today (UP-IP) “Lies, lies,” shouted Rada Deputy Hryhoriy Nomentionko as he was dragged into a waiting police van this morning from the Rada building. According to interviews with law enforcement officials and the local hot dog seller on the corner, Mr. Nomentionko was arrested in a sting operation conducted by the Veselka publishing house. Nomentionko was approached by a group of undercover children posing as Italians who offered him a bribe of 800 billion lira if only he would change his shirt. Suspecting foul play, the head of the Rada’s “Anti-Mafia” Group resisted his natural instincts to take the money and run, as his colleagues afterwards speculated, and most likely demanded more. The undercover children then blew the proverbial whistle on him. In rushed the MVD troops, the tax police, the Presidents representative in the Rada, Ms. Viterenko, three psychiatrists from the Stukach and Son Institute on Criminal Behavior, (Antigua), four SBU Generals and two representatives of Freedom House accompanied by a lonely USAID employee. Mr. Nomentionko was dragged screaming to the armored police van. The Burp is following the story closely. As more details emerge we will keep you posted.
BEK-TEK AUTHENTICATES GETTYSBURGADDRESS
Rural Virginia(UP-IP) In a sensational announcement last night, the Bek-Tek company told UP-IP news that it was indeed Abraham Lincoln who gave the famous Gettysburg Address. The tone and continuity of the speech proves without a doubt that these were in fact Lincoln’s words and they were not edited.” This might put to rest lawsuits filed by the Ukrainian President Kuchmer and the Prosecutor General of Ukraine Netreben’ko that “the Gettysburgspeech was specially edited by the forces of evil” in order to discredit Jefferson Davisiuk, the then President of the Confederate States of America.
The Gettysburgspeech was secretly taped by Charlie Melnychenko, a great, great Grandfather of Mykola, “the Major,” and remained hidden in the family safe in an unnamed European country. When his great, great, very great Grandson, Mykola, revealed that he had taped the conversations of Kuchmer, the kaka hit the fan in Kyiv. President Kuchmer ranted and raved for months that he never said a word in his office. Mr. Netreben’ko glared at reporters for months and told them to “screw off” when asked about the recordings. Then in June 2001, the now famous Gettysburglawsuit was filed in California. The well known investigative firm of Krollie, Krollie and Krollie were hired by President Kuchmer’s son-in-law, Pinch Youk to investigate this case. “Krollie” spokesperson Cherkassiuk, informed the media that “it was highly unlikely that Lincolncould have said what he said given the size of the stage in Gettysburgand the direction of the wind. Azeri audio experts hired by Krollie to authenticate the tapes defiantly proclaimed that it was all ‘Armenian bullshit.’” The Bek-Tek experts have now told Krollie to suck on CD’s.
LVIV, TERNOPIL OBLASTS JOIN NATO
Lviv (UP-IP) Tomorrow. In a move which might anger Moscow, Kyiv, Peoriaand Baghdad, two Western oblasts of Ukraine, Lviv and Ternopil, were officially admitted into NATO last night. In a quaint ceremony at NATO headquarters, Belgian skinheads, accompanied by aging members of the OUN and Libyan sorcerers chanted incantations. A choir of veterans of the SS Division Halychyna held a solemn concert in nearby Paris. Conducted by French Presidential candidate Le Pen , the choir sang such all time favorites as “The Horst Wesel Song” and “I Did It My Way.”
DONETSK, LUHANSK OBLASTS JOIN SICILY
Donetsk(UP-IP) Day before yesterday. The recently appointed heads of the Presidential administrations in Donetsk and Luhansk oblasts, Don.Vito Corllione and Don ‘Sonny’ Genovese, held a press conference yesterday afternoon at which they announced that "“according to the wishes of their paisan these two regions of Ucraina will join the region of Sicily as “full fledged members. No questions asked. You capice?.” The head of the often maligned ‘Donetskclan’, Mr. Mulmulian, cheerfully applauded this decision saying that it “was the will of the people.” “We now will press to make Italian and Russian the official languages of our region.” He added, gleefully rubbing his hands.
The press conference was blessed by the hastily appointed Roman Catholic Bishop of Donetsk, Monsignor Yefrem Zviagilone who gave a rousing sermon about the evils of Zionism and our MotherChurch.
KUCHMER IN CONCERT
In a rare public performance, President Leonid Kuchmer took to the stage of the Ukraina Palace of Culture last night with an evening of guitar playing and a compulsory sing along. Performing with him were the “Happy Kuchmeroids” underage girls choir conducted by V. Lytvym. The President began the evening with a solo guitar rendition of his favorite song “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden”. Then the ever popular “Bankivsky Quartet” consisting of M. Netrebenko, L. Stukach, M. Assarov and Y. Kwawchenko, sang a medley of oldies but goodies, including “ Georgians on My Mind”, “I’d Rather be a Hammer than a Nail”, “Money, Money, Money” and the like. According to TV station “1 Plus 1” the evening was an unmitigated success.
Classified Ads
Buddhist Vegetarianrestaurant in Hamburg, Germanylooking for young, firm breasted, long legged waitresses to service customers. Write to Vasia Shmarovoz, Odessa, Derebasivska 18. Please include photo in natural state. Good pay, airfare paid for by the Buddhist himself.
Kamaz truck rental agencylooking for experienced drivers with past criminal record. Please call Yura Kwawchenko for interview at 667-9890.
Need a green card? Who doesn’t. Lonely INS officer is willing to make a deal. Meet me by the US Embassy every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 1900. Ask for Pete.
SBU is now hiring informers.Good pay. Easy work. Call Marina Ostabenko at the press office, or come in unescorted while you still have the chance. Have a shot with us. We can be found on Beria (formerly Volodymyrska) Street. You’ll be glad you did.
Will the owner of a bullet riddled JeepCherokee please remove the bodies inside. Jeep is parked in front of the Budapest Casino on Leontovich street. It has been there a week and is beginning to stink.
Passionate grandmotherlooking for meaningful oral sex with nationally conscious man (men). Call Baba Parasia in Bila Tserkva at (066) 55-69-12. (ZaYeDu members should not call.)
Foreign Minister needed.Please send resume, two photo’s and 50 nonrefundable bucks to Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Mykhaylivska Square. Applicants must be 15 years or older, have knowledge of a language, some education and comb their hair straight back.
Discounted Mercedes 600series. Straight from Albania. A real steal of a deal! First come, first served. Cash only. See Dima Tabachnikov at Gas Station on Victory Boulevard.
Former Prosecutor Generallooking for companionship. Likes to play hide and seek. Favorite movie is “The Confession.” Call Misha at 229-9090.
The “Happy Kuchmeroids” girls choir will hold a practice session Friday night at the National Bank building. Choir director, Yura Lytvym will be on hand to provide protection and a cover-up if needed. All retrogrades welcome.
The Russian embassyin Kyiv is holding its regular Friday night raffle. First prize this week is dinner with the Ambassador himself. Second prize is two dinners with him.
The Ministry of Defenseand UkrSpetzExport are holding a public auction on Saturday. Slightly used BTR’s, a few passive radar systems, tons of small arms and munitions will be available for the “do it yourself arms dealer.” Call the Israeli embassy for further details. Varennyky will be served.
The Ukrainian-Iraqi Radar Societywill hold its annual folk dance contest this week in Donetsk. Judging the choreography will be People’s Deputy Leonid Stukach , while the Director of the “Topaz” factory will present the “Golden Kolchuga” award to the winners. Americans are not invited.
A new chain of laundries is set to open in Kyiv, Odessaand Dnipropetrovsk. The “Volkiv Laundry Company” registered in the Cayman Islands, will host an open house for investors this Sunday afternoon from 1300-1600 hrs. Belgians are not invited.
Igoryok, call your realtor in Florida. Love, Mother-in-law.
Lost in the vicinity of the Crazy Horse Night Club last Saturday night. An end user certificate for two aircraft carriers, 200,000 Kalashnikov automatic rifles, 80 tons of ammunition and 417 young boys. The end user named on the certificate is the Vatican. Please return to Andriy Stukach c/o Kyivsky Telegraph. Reward will be paid in bucks, big bucks.
Igoryok,ITERA called, they sounded angry. Beg them for forgiveness. Mother-in-law.
Will the ownerof two luminescent suitcases with Arabic writing on the sides please claim them from the lost property office in BorispilAirport. Urgent. Otherwise they will be sold at a very private auction.
USAmbassador to Ukraine, Carlos Paskualenko,is hosting a “find the reforms” children’s party this Sunday afternoon. Children of leading Ukrainian officials will scamper about the Ambassadors residence looking for signs of economic reform in Ukraine. The first child to find such evidence will be turned over to the FBI for questioning and DNA testing.
The law firm of Screwem and Howe is offering lectures on “Ukrainian taxation and the price of oranges- tips for the private Ukrainian orange grower.” Make reservations today. Fee for entire 15 minute lecture is $ 5,000. Call 334-9898, ask for Luigi.
The “Jolly Roger and Kum” CD and DVD company is having a fire sale this Friday evening. Bring the children and not too much cash. “If you can’t trust the Jolly Roger, Whom Can you Trust?” Salewill be in the usual spot. For further details and special orders call Captain Hookovich at (44) 12445 44567890.
The Communist Party ladies auxiliary no. 789 in Troishchyna is holding a Saturday evening barbecue. “Bush legs” will be the special on the menu. The guest cook will be the world renowned Walter Kaganovich. Invite your proletariat friends! “Arise yea prisoners of starvation, Arise yea toilers of the earth…” Bring your own pitchforks.
The Kyiv Burp (pardon) is put together now and then by who knows whom and for no good reason whatsoever. If you have nothing useful to do then you can contact us at:
Kyivburp307@hotmail.com