05/21/2002 | Borys Karmeluk

KUCHMEROV IN SOCHI

The governor of the Province of Southern Little Russia, Leonid Kuchmerov, along with other Russian provincial governors, met with President Putan in the resort town of Sochi. After getting the President’s blessings on the results of the provincial elections recently held in Little Russia, it was decided that the province needed to integrate itself with the motherland even more. The “Eurasian Co-prosperity Zone” was the vehicle for this glue that binds. More on Kuchmerov soon.

VISIT TO SBU E-MAIL FACILITIES
In a rare visit to the not-so-public reading room of Ukrainian e-mail messages ran by the YMCA chapter of the SBU, BURP Reporters had a chance to see security at work. There in front of large bank of computers humming “Sche ne vmerla Ukraina”, every minute thousands of e-mails sent and received by Ukrainian citizens were being checked for spelling and grammar mistakes before going on to their rightful recipients. “This is a service we do quietly for our nation” stated SBU chairman Webster Radachenko. “We don’t want our Ukrainian people to send or receive illiterate e-mails. People will think that we’re dummies or something like that.”

In one corner of the room a group of intellectuals were reading the latest e-mails sent to one Kathia Chudachenko. “Check this one out” yelled Volodia, an intellectual from Dnipropetrovsk, “She’s telling her husband to buy 5 kilo’s of potatoes and a small chicken on the way home. She also writes: ‘Leave me some money before you go to work in the morning.’ A real gas!”
Another message came for Madame Chudachenko, this time from Washington. This one had the entire section gathered – for here was something important. It read “Dear Kathia, we all miss you terribly, come home to visit. How are thing’s in Kyiv? How is Victor? How are the kids? We all kiss you, Mom and Dad.”

The Section chief was aroused from his alcoholic stupor for this one. It was clearly a coded message from Langely to her asking for a secret meeting, he told the BURP reporters. “They must have some new instructions for her husband from the CIA. Now we have the goods on them. He’ll never become Speaker. Call Danilovich right away, call Marchukchi, call anybody, let’s give the inside scoop to Kolchugin from “2001”. Hurray, whooppee do da, “

KUCHMER IN BRUSSELS –AN EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT

Last week Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchmer visited Brussels where he had dinner with Romano Prodo, the head of the European Commission’s Commission on European Commissions. This mornings BURP (a good one at that) received a fax from Lviv from two eyewitnesses to this dinner, Pan Roman and Pan Myron. Following is the unedited text of their fax.

“Me and my kum Myron were visiting Brussels yesterday and on the corner of the Rue Volkov and the Boulevard St. Capone we saw an elegant restaurant, the Chez Potre Benko. Being a spot hungry we went inside to take a look. The waiter came up to us and asked if we were hungry. We said yes and then noticed that we had both seen his face somewhere before, but could not recall where or when. Then in the corner of the hall, we saw Pan Romano Prodo, the head of the commission of commissions or something like that. Anyway, he was sitting by himself slurping away on some fish soup and dipping his bread into it making all kinds of funny sounds at the same time. We asked to be seated close to him.

Suddenly the door burst open and two men in black leather coats ran into the restaurant, checked the joint out, waved to the waiter calling out “Pryvit Kolia” and ran back outside. About a minute later in walks the man himself, Leonid Danilovich, the protector and guarantor of our rights and freedoms, the “Godfather of Ukraine.” Two paces behind him was the extraordinary, extraordinary Ambassador of Ukraine to the European Union and it’s myriad of known and stranger sub-structures, Pan Roman Spik. He was carrying the Presidential attaché case where the escape plans in case of impeachment are hidden in a false bottom, along with certain bank account numbers.

Pan Prodo looked up from his bowl of fish soup, saw Danilovich and shouted to him: “Lenny, my God, you’re in Brussels, Yo Mayo, come over, sit down, let me buy you dinner.” The two men hugged and Danilovich insisted on kissing Romano on the lips, to his obvious delight. “Sit, sit, who’s your case carrier?” Prodo asked, glaring jealously at Spik.

“What will you have” Prodo asked – “the fish here is delicious, the best in Europe.” Pan Kuchmer grimaced: “Fish? Blya, I came all the way to Belgium to eat dead fish? Screw it, let’s have the attaché case Spik, Lyuda made me a sandwich this morning and there’s a bottle of ‘Moskovskaya’ in there, as well as an apple.”

So Pan Leonid took out his handkerchief and laid it out on the table, the side with the dried up snots on the bottom, placed the ‘Moskovskaya’, the apple and the sandwich on it and asked the waiter to bring some cucumbers and tomatoes, as well as a block of salo. As the waiter stood taking the order, Pan Kuchmer looked at him and scratched his head: ‘Damn, you look familiar, what’s your name?’ But by that time the waiter had left to bring the order.

Kuchmer raised the first toast: “To you Roman, to Europe and prosperity, to our love for you and Europe, to our integration!”

Pan Spik stood up to acknowledge the toast. Pan Kuchmer told him to ‘sit down, blya, I wasn’t talking to you.’

Pan Prodo returned the toast, picked up his glass and shouted “lakhayem” and downed the Moskovskaya in one gulp. Pan Kuchmer looked at him with a hint of suspicion and whispered to Spik “Is he also a Jew?”

Anyway, the evening was a huge success. They both got ripped and by 2100 hours were signing old Italian love songs as a duet. The waiter (his name was in fact Mykola) stood close by tape recording them. Then at 2130 my mother-in-law called from Hlynian. She saw our snouts (that is the exact word the old crow used) on One Plus One television and demanded to know where we were. Then my uncle called and wanted to know if Kuchmer spoke to ‘that gypsy Romano’ in Ukrainian or in Russian? He is very sensitive on this matter and has been documenting all of Kuchmer’s ‘katsap’ conversations for the last eight years.

By 2200 we had to leave, for the train to Lviv departed at 2300. I hope you publish our report, for we think it is important that the Ukrainian nation knows that last night we came one more step closer to joining Europe, our cherished dream for centuries. ‘SLAVA UKRAINI! HEROYAM SLAVA! Pan Roman and Pan Myron.

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF THE CONGO OPENS BUSINESS SCHOOL IN TERNOPIL

Ternopil (Western Ukraine – the real Ukraine) April 21, 2002. Mugabe Mugabe, the Ambassador of the Democratic People’s Republic of the Congo to Ukraine, arrived this afternoon in Ternopil to take part in the opening ceremonies of a business school sponsored by the Congo in that marvelous ghetto of Ukrainian national consciousness.

Accompanied by the local People’s Deputy, Slava Stetskovi, Mugabe Mugabe, told a confused group of local journalists that he found Ternopil “exotic”. “Check out them Ternopil babes, nice asses for white women” he repeated three times for the record to our correspondent.

“All this crap about corruption in Ukraine, its all gorilla shit. We have prepared a plan to dispel this negative image of Ukraine prevalent in the Congo. I discussed this with your Head Medicine Man, Kuchmer, last week, and he was more then anxious with our offer to split the take.”

The new business school, named the Bobo Hawrylyshenko School of Honesty and Ethics in Ukrainian Business, will interview young, firm breasted, applicants for admission beginning next week. Mugabe Mugabe himself consented to conduct all the 20 minute interviews.

“Ukraine be damn good to us, all those Kalashnikov’s you guys sent us in our time of need, when that honkey UN placed them illegal embargo’s on our country. We be more then glad to teach you a few tricks here and there.” The Ambassador brayed as he toked on a sample of the local ‘konoplia.’


BURP INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
“WHERE’S THE RADAR?”

The recent reports that Ukraine sold a highly advanced passive radar system called the Kolchuga to Iraq and the subsequent denials by Ukrainian officials has prompted the ‘Kyiv Burp’ to send an investigative team of reporters to Iraq to clarify the situation. Here is their special report.

Iraq, (Somewhere in the desert of the Northern no-fly zone) We saw the strange looking system located on top of a Baghdad taxi cab, parked by an oasis which had the only functioning McArafat’s left in Iraq. As we approached the contraption we noticed a group of soldiers loafing about, so we approached them. As it turned out, despite their Arab dress, two of them were from Donetsk; Vania and Slavik. “Boys, what are you doing here ?” we asked. Overjoyed, they hugged us and we went inside the joint for a Sadam Salad and Kuwaitburger with cheese.

“We’ve been here two years now. They sent us in to service this “Kolchuga”, we’ve been sitting here now waiting for it to break down, but nothing. The damn thing is passive. It doesn’t do shit. It just sits there all day, not a sound, no motion, nothing.” Vania told us as he sipped on his “Zionist blood” shake.
“That’s right” Slavik added. “You would expect it to burp now and then, but no, the f-cking thing wouldn’t even do that. So we’re stuck here. We can’t get any horilka, no salo, no women, nothing except this piece of shit radar and Abdul and Mohamed there who’ve rigged up the radar screen to play video games on. Those two are bright, let me tell you.”

“What about the American and British planes which patrol the no-fly zone, does the radar pick them up?”

Vania giggled. “You must be joking with me. Them planes fly fast, zooommm and they’re gone. This Kolchuga, just doesn’t respond to anything. And we sold them this crap? They gotta be stupid to buy something so useless.”

Slavik pointed out that there were three more units of the radar somewhere “out there” he pointed into the desert. “Our friends, Petya, Misha and Sasha are also there, but I suspect that they’re like us, dressed in dresses with rags on their heads, bored to tears like us.”


THE ROOTS OF CORRUPTION IN UKRAINE

The Pavlo “Pablo Lopez” Lazabenko Institute on Corruption Studies held a presentation last night of it’s latest monograph “The Case of Polubot’ko”. This was the first recorded incident of a high level Ukrainian administrator running off with the treasury and setting up an off-shore account. The monograph, written by Professor Igoryok Buckaj and Associate Professor Alex “Big Al” Volkiv, describes the moral questions associated with Polubot’ko’s despicable act of robbing the state treasury of gold and depositing in into a coded off-shore account in Britain. The audience, consisting mainly of Russified gas traders, enough Cabinet Ministers to constitute of quorum, two former Presidents and four FBI agents, sat thrilled and took down pages of notes as Prof. Buckaj explained how Polubot'ko did it, step by step. “This was a classic case, a great act of chutzpah. Do you realize that the cops, those pigs, still have not been able to find where he stashed the take. Wonderful, wonderful..” Prof. Buckaj added visibly moved to tears.

The ever popular “Bankivsky Quartet” (A. Volkiv, M. Assarov, Yura Kwawchenko and Lenny Stukach) performed for the gathering by singing a medley of their favorite tunes, including “Money, money, money,” “The Theme from the ‘Godfather’” and others. The Imam Al-Filaretein (Baghdad Patriarchate) blessed the gathering.

PASCUALENKO EXPLAINS US POLICY TOWARDS UKRAINE

Carlos Fidelovich Pascualenko, the American ambassador to Ukraine, told a packed hall at Che’s Cerveza Ballentine bar-restaurant in Podol, that: “Yes indeed folks, we got a policy, you bet, but don’t you go about quoting me, since the policy is still a secret. Only 5 people in Washington and I know about it, and we’re not about to tell. In any case, let me say this about that. With the arrival of the new President, there has been a lively, and, I might add, rather humorous at times, discussion about our policy towards Ukraine. Once we showed the Secretary of State where Ukraine really was on the map, he whispered in my ear “ Really. No shit!”

To be frank with you, when I asked the National Security Advisor for her views on Ukraine, she replied bluntly “Yes.” Members of Congress, on the other hand, tend to sabotage our policy with their outrageous resolutions, such as the recent one about elections. Not knowing their asses from a rigged vote, they insulted the democratic sub-consciousness of President Kuchmer, thus creating a rough time for me. As I have consistently stated from the moment of my arrival in your wonderful country, the United States of America has consistently supported the centuries old strivings of the Ukrainian people to enjoy the benefits of USAID money, grants for travel and money for consultants and investment capital. You ask if there is a policy? I say to you again, what I said earlier and I will repeat this if need be. Thank you.”

Community Bulletin Board

President Kuchmer announced the winners of this weeks “State Distinguished Medals Lottery”. The winners this week are: O. Lavrynovitch, Alex Volkiv,(a three time winner, let’s hear it for Alex now folks) Yura Lytvym, Idi Amin, Yassar Arafat, Carlos Pascualenko, and Askold Lozynges. “Together, these distinguished individuals displayed an unnatural love for Ukraine going beyond their normal physical needs.” The citation reads.

Found. One Western investor in a state of shock. Will parents or shareholders please claim him.

Am willing to exchange mother-in-law for Jeep Cherokee. Call Igoryok at 449.8989.

MVD is holding its 5th annual “Find the Killer” dance this Saturday evening in Tarashcha. All ‘suspects’ welcome. Come, have a liter with the boys. SBU choir will be on hand to perform. The Gazprom Guys, led by that all time favorite comic, straight from a performance in the Borshch Belt in the Catskills, Chernomordin will tell us funny stories. Our own Yura Kwawchenko will be on hand to sign autographs. FBI not invited.

Kuchmer nominated for Nobel Piece Prize. The local chapter of the KKK in Donetsk, (the well known ‘Donetsk Klan’) has nominated President Kuchmer for this years Nobel Piece Prize. All should be in favor. They must, I repeat, must, vote yes. (for instructions on how to vote, call Yura Lytvim (044) 675 0090. Speak loudly.

The World Famous Ukrainian “ Flying Yushcheneko Brothers, Yulia and Baloney Circus” is coming to town. Direct from Palermo, jugglers, killers, crooks, elected clowns, bearded virgins, gas traders. You name it, we got it. Hurry, buy your tickets now. Call Kyiv Star, ask for Pauli. Bring the family members who are out on bail. See our side show. See the pre-historic Petya Symomenko, the last human to learn how to walk upright. Watch the Yushenenko brother twist and turn! See democrats transform into crooks and vice versa. A great show! For children of all ages!

Lost! A delegation of blind Belarus arms traders and their Russian barking seeing eye dogs. Last seen smoking outside the headquarters of UkrSpetzExport . Call Israeli Arms company ‘LR Avionics’ in Kyiv for further information.

For sale. Nice property in Naples Florida. Barely used by old freaky, (and greedy) mother-in-law (‘suka, blya’!!). Call Igoryok. Nauru (00987) 77-77-77.

Applications now being accepted for membership in discreet ‘Gentlemen’s Club.’ For more information call Mr. Cirkis. Satisfaction guaranteed. Gay SBU officers need not apply. “Don’t be a bitch, Ivane.” Bring your own Vaseline. Belarus condoms available.

The Rada ‘anti-mafia’ committee is holding a secret meeting next Wednesday night in the tomato patch of the Italian Embassy. Bring your own denunciations. Call Pavlyk Morozov at 445-9900. Speak softly.

Lost! $ 250 million bucks in a big, really big, yellow suitcase in Odessa last Friday night at the office of Bodelan and Sons Religious Artifacts Store on Derebasivska. Reward of $ 25.00 is being offered by owner. Call “Big Al” (044) 667-9090.

The ZaYeBu bloc of woman voters is holding its weekly aerobics class this Tuesday in the Naftogaz Ukraina building on Pushkinska Street at 2000 hrs. Igoryok’s former mother-in-law (‘Suka, blya’) is leading the class. Overweight wives of Cabinet Ministers are more then welcome. Please park your Mercedes sedans (nothing lower that a 600 model allowed) anywhere on the street. Pay no attention to the police.

Emergency situation!!! Three rouge horny elephants from the Yushenenko Brothers etc. Circus were spotted in a sex club on an island in the Dnipro. One responds to the name “Alex”. Four good looking ex- virgins from Minsk confessed to having unnatural acts with the beasts. Anyone knowing of their whereabouts is asked to phone Alex Volkiv on his mobile number 356-990-8754. If the elephants insist on more sex, call Maryna at the SBU office. Discretion guaranteed.

This is the next to next to last warning. If you want to get BURP, tell us or else get bent. You bunch of cheap cynics reading this crap, if you want more, we can supply it almost gratis for your perusal. Send us your e-mail address (if you are not on the run from Interpol or other fascist organizations) to Kyivburp307@hotmail.com
More better is to send cash to the First Kyiv Charity Bank for Potential Victims of Chornobyl in Cyprus. If you have any friends, which is highly doubtful, pass this along to them.