KYIV BURP: PROSECUTOR GENERAL?S OFFICE BEGINS BURP INVESTIGATION
06/28/2002 | Borys Karmeluk
KYIV BURP
Volume 1, number 12
The head of the Ukrainian Parliament?s anti-slime committee headed by you-know-who, and supported by 789 members of parliament, voted to beg the General Prosecutor of Ukraine to open an investigation of who are "them scumbags" responsible for writing and distributing the so-called "Kyiv Burp" and the sleazy "Kyiv Beet."
The Prosecutors office responded fifteen minutes before getting the hand delivered mandate from parliament. In the first hour, 682 journalists were rounded up and dragged screaming from bars and casino?s in different Ukrainian cities into interrogation centers specially set up for this impromptu investigation. They were first disarmed, since recently they have been allowed to carry side-arms, knives, brass knuckles, hatchets, pitchforks and land mines. (all of the above items are available at a 30% discount for journalists from UkrSpetsExport. Call Pan Myron at 225 8998. Major credit cards accepted.)
Then the entire staff of the "Kiev Post Coitus" was led out of it?s fancy offices and told to "place your hands above your heads, spread your legs and giggle."
According to an inside informer from the inside, the cops are looking for English language speaking suspects who know how to write in English. Police inspector Nestor Nestorovich told the undercover Burp informer, disguised as a hot dog salesperson on the Khreschatyk, that we have a long list and a short list.
It seems that the short list consists of a number of disgruntled former Ministry of Foreign Affairs officials, former Ukrainian ambassadors to ?certain countries? who spoke English. The fact that they were all Jews was "irrelevant" according to the inspector. "So what, who else would put out this ?hovno?. We all know that the Jews control the press, so clearly, they must be responsible for this vile defamation of our proud and glorious Orthodox country where all are equal to null."
But rumors spread like wildfire in the alcohol sodden ex-pat community. Girlfriends were frisked, then frisked again under suspicion of having recording devices hidden on their slinky bodies. It was a terrible ordeal moaned Veronica, a 19 year old professional ?girlfriend?. "He made me spread my legs and then ?Oh Lord, and Then, and Then again he frisked me. Those Canadians can be crude and primitive" she added after her cold shower.
The Prime Minister, Foreign Minister, the head of the Council for Broadcasting, the incorruptible Coldenko, all expressed outrage. "Those pricks better stop writing this shit, or else we?re going to cut their fingernails off at the armpits," raved the Foreign Minister in a moment of levity, waving a Swiss Army knife with 47 blades. In response to a question, he explained that the knife was a gift from his Swiss Bank which he has blessed with numerous deposits.
According to an ominous statement released by the SBU press office, Maryna, the press officer, panted heavily that the investigation will soon move abroad. The SBU, she claimed, has hard evidence that the perpetrators of the Burp and the Beet might be Australian?s or Egyptian-Ukrainians, part of a long lost tribe of Ukrainian-Jewish poets hiding under the Sphinx since the days of Kotlyarevsky and Zabotynsky. "We?re going to catch those cork suckers and when we do, may the farce be with them."
GUAAM GONE, SCUM ARRIVES
Foreign Minister Anatoliy Slyzhko announced yesterday that the regional security and cooking society known as GUAAM has disappeared. After notifying Interpol of the lost association, Slyzhko stated that in keeping with Ukraine?s lust for NATO, a new inter-regional association of lost states will soon create a new international entity Scotland, Canada, Ukraine, Macedonia (SCUM). The purpose of the new inter-regional organization will be to hold periodical conferences, barbecues, bowling tournaments and play war games on Nintendo. Slyzhko stressed that this was not a "piece of shit" but "the real thing."
UKRAINIAN DIASPORA IN US DEMANDS THAT UKRAINE BE NAMED A PARIAH STATE
After the recent announcement by President George Bush Jr. that Russia was "a pariah state", Ukrainian community leaders in the United States demanded equal treatment. "We should not be held to higher standards then those dirty Moskali" yelled Askol Lozynges at a press conference held in the Lys Mykyta Bar on Second Ave. After calming down, Mr. Lozynges laid out the plans of the Inter-galactic Union of Totally Free Ukrainians. "We too can be considered pariah?s and we?ll show them what we are capable of doing if we are awarded this status." As is well known, Russia has lobbied fiercely for the right to be labeled a "pariah." Ukrainian President Kuchmer has sworn to "show those freaks in Washington that we too are able to join the ranks of pariah?s, regardless of where they might be." Members of various Ukrainian-American organizations, holding Icon?s of the President and his family, crowded the bar at "Lys" and vowed to ?fight to the end? for this honor.
Announcements
While the Rada is hibernating, you too can watch them sleeping. Pan Myron is now selling tickets to the annual "Watch Them Hibernate" tour of Parliament. All you need to bring are soft slippers so as not to wake any People?s Deputy from his or her favorite dream of power and wealth. Children not allowed. Entrance fee is a mere 5.99 hryv.
Unemployed hit man from the Crimea seeking short term employment. Reliable, has letters of recommendation from Presidents of Russia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan and Serbia. Call Curly in Sevastopil (0980) 556 871. Results guaranteed.
The Dryndepupenko cousins are now on the road!! Their star attraction is the now famous mother-in-law "Suka Blya". She will read your palms (where some dollars will no doubt be available) and direct you to the appropriate chamber for meditation with a young lass. The tour includes Odessa, Donetsk, Bankivka village, Pidhaytsi and Ternopil.
The joint MVD and General Prosecutors zhmurky team is challenging the SBU and Presidential Administration team to a "Winner Takes All" match. The top prize is a virgin found hiding under the President?s sofa last week. Call Yurko Kwawchenko at 044-299 4506. VAT does not apply.
It has come to the attention of the "Ukrainian State commission on preventing the unauthorized pirating of CD, DVD, Video, intellectual property", ("The UkrDerzKomPrevPiratShit") that certain organizations not licensed to pirate Western intellectual property have been sticking their fingers into the racket. This is the last warning to you assholes. Stop now or face severe consequences.
An update on exports of women to European markets. The Ukrainian State Committee on Statistics of Exports of Females to European Markets (UkrDerzhKomStatExpBabTam) is proud to announce that since last November business has been good. We have now overtaken Vietnam and Thailand as the main exporters of "Bab" to the markets of the degenerate West. Slava Ukraini!!
The Reverend Bill Bob Enko is proud to announce that the ministry, straight from Birmingham, Alabama, will soon be announcing a raffle of off shore shares in Ukrainian State oil companies. Do you too want to become rich, a mini oligarch? Well now boys and girls, here is your chance. Fill out the form "Why I want to become a Ukrainian oligarch" attach a check or money order for $ 55.00 and send it in to: PO Box 4567, Antigua, BWI.
Praise the Lord Jesus Christ and Thank you Folks, thank you, thank you. May the Lord watch over you.
For sale: collection of original 1999 Kyiv beer bottles. Seventeen cases of the glass bottles in excellent condition. Collected by antiquities Society from Podol. Authentication papers available upon request. This, folks, is the real thing. Call Pani Myron at phone listed above for Pan Myron.
The new, recently published "Kratkiy kurs Ukrainskoyi istorii" by L. Kuchmer. Available at all fine kiosks, beer gardens and gastronomes. A simple mans history of Malorossiya written by a simple Maloros. In the Versii.com top ten for the last ten weeks. As a renowned literary critic has written in his review: "This is it boys and girls, the truth, the whole truth and nothing resembling the truth."
MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: Click Here
Volume 1, number 12
The head of the Ukrainian Parliament?s anti-slime committee headed by you-know-who, and supported by 789 members of parliament, voted to beg the General Prosecutor of Ukraine to open an investigation of who are "them scumbags" responsible for writing and distributing the so-called "Kyiv Burp" and the sleazy "Kyiv Beet."
The Prosecutors office responded fifteen minutes before getting the hand delivered mandate from parliament. In the first hour, 682 journalists were rounded up and dragged screaming from bars and casino?s in different Ukrainian cities into interrogation centers specially set up for this impromptu investigation. They were first disarmed, since recently they have been allowed to carry side-arms, knives, brass knuckles, hatchets, pitchforks and land mines. (all of the above items are available at a 30% discount for journalists from UkrSpetsExport. Call Pan Myron at 225 8998. Major credit cards accepted.)
Then the entire staff of the "Kiev Post Coitus" was led out of it?s fancy offices and told to "place your hands above your heads, spread your legs and giggle."
According to an inside informer from the inside, the cops are looking for English language speaking suspects who know how to write in English. Police inspector Nestor Nestorovich told the undercover Burp informer, disguised as a hot dog salesperson on the Khreschatyk, that we have a long list and a short list.
It seems that the short list consists of a number of disgruntled former Ministry of Foreign Affairs officials, former Ukrainian ambassadors to ?certain countries? who spoke English. The fact that they were all Jews was "irrelevant" according to the inspector. "So what, who else would put out this ?hovno?. We all know that the Jews control the press, so clearly, they must be responsible for this vile defamation of our proud and glorious Orthodox country where all are equal to null."
But rumors spread like wildfire in the alcohol sodden ex-pat community. Girlfriends were frisked, then frisked again under suspicion of having recording devices hidden on their slinky bodies. It was a terrible ordeal moaned Veronica, a 19 year old professional ?girlfriend?. "He made me spread my legs and then ?Oh Lord, and Then, and Then again he frisked me. Those Canadians can be crude and primitive" she added after her cold shower.
The Prime Minister, Foreign Minister, the head of the Council for Broadcasting, the incorruptible Coldenko, all expressed outrage. "Those pricks better stop writing this shit, or else we?re going to cut their fingernails off at the armpits," raved the Foreign Minister in a moment of levity, waving a Swiss Army knife with 47 blades. In response to a question, he explained that the knife was a gift from his Swiss Bank which he has blessed with numerous deposits.
According to an ominous statement released by the SBU press office, Maryna, the press officer, panted heavily that the investigation will soon move abroad. The SBU, she claimed, has hard evidence that the perpetrators of the Burp and the Beet might be Australian?s or Egyptian-Ukrainians, part of a long lost tribe of Ukrainian-Jewish poets hiding under the Sphinx since the days of Kotlyarevsky and Zabotynsky. "We?re going to catch those cork suckers and when we do, may the farce be with them."
GUAAM GONE, SCUM ARRIVES
Foreign Minister Anatoliy Slyzhko announced yesterday that the regional security and cooking society known as GUAAM has disappeared. After notifying Interpol of the lost association, Slyzhko stated that in keeping with Ukraine?s lust for NATO, a new inter-regional association of lost states will soon create a new international entity Scotland, Canada, Ukraine, Macedonia (SCUM). The purpose of the new inter-regional organization will be to hold periodical conferences, barbecues, bowling tournaments and play war games on Nintendo. Slyzhko stressed that this was not a "piece of shit" but "the real thing."
UKRAINIAN DIASPORA IN US DEMANDS THAT UKRAINE BE NAMED A PARIAH STATE
After the recent announcement by President George Bush Jr. that Russia was "a pariah state", Ukrainian community leaders in the United States demanded equal treatment. "We should not be held to higher standards then those dirty Moskali" yelled Askol Lozynges at a press conference held in the Lys Mykyta Bar on Second Ave. After calming down, Mr. Lozynges laid out the plans of the Inter-galactic Union of Totally Free Ukrainians. "We too can be considered pariah?s and we?ll show them what we are capable of doing if we are awarded this status." As is well known, Russia has lobbied fiercely for the right to be labeled a "pariah." Ukrainian President Kuchmer has sworn to "show those freaks in Washington that we too are able to join the ranks of pariah?s, regardless of where they might be." Members of various Ukrainian-American organizations, holding Icon?s of the President and his family, crowded the bar at "Lys" and vowed to ?fight to the end? for this honor.
Announcements
While the Rada is hibernating, you too can watch them sleeping. Pan Myron is now selling tickets to the annual "Watch Them Hibernate" tour of Parliament. All you need to bring are soft slippers so as not to wake any People?s Deputy from his or her favorite dream of power and wealth. Children not allowed. Entrance fee is a mere 5.99 hryv.
Unemployed hit man from the Crimea seeking short term employment. Reliable, has letters of recommendation from Presidents of Russia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan and Serbia. Call Curly in Sevastopil (0980) 556 871. Results guaranteed.
The Dryndepupenko cousins are now on the road!! Their star attraction is the now famous mother-in-law "Suka Blya". She will read your palms (where some dollars will no doubt be available) and direct you to the appropriate chamber for meditation with a young lass. The tour includes Odessa, Donetsk, Bankivka village, Pidhaytsi and Ternopil.
The joint MVD and General Prosecutors zhmurky team is challenging the SBU and Presidential Administration team to a "Winner Takes All" match. The top prize is a virgin found hiding under the President?s sofa last week. Call Yurko Kwawchenko at 044-299 4506. VAT does not apply.
It has come to the attention of the "Ukrainian State commission on preventing the unauthorized pirating of CD, DVD, Video, intellectual property", ("The UkrDerzKomPrevPiratShit") that certain organizations not licensed to pirate Western intellectual property have been sticking their fingers into the racket. This is the last warning to you assholes. Stop now or face severe consequences.
An update on exports of women to European markets. The Ukrainian State Committee on Statistics of Exports of Females to European Markets (UkrDerzhKomStatExpBabTam) is proud to announce that since last November business has been good. We have now overtaken Vietnam and Thailand as the main exporters of "Bab" to the markets of the degenerate West. Slava Ukraini!!
The Reverend Bill Bob Enko is proud to announce that the ministry, straight from Birmingham, Alabama, will soon be announcing a raffle of off shore shares in Ukrainian State oil companies. Do you too want to become rich, a mini oligarch? Well now boys and girls, here is your chance. Fill out the form "Why I want to become a Ukrainian oligarch" attach a check or money order for $ 55.00 and send it in to: PO Box 4567, Antigua, BWI.
Praise the Lord Jesus Christ and Thank you Folks, thank you, thank you. May the Lord watch over you.
For sale: collection of original 1999 Kyiv beer bottles. Seventeen cases of the glass bottles in excellent condition. Collected by antiquities Society from Podol. Authentication papers available upon request. This, folks, is the real thing. Call Pani Myron at phone listed above for Pan Myron.
The new, recently published "Kratkiy kurs Ukrainskoyi istorii" by L. Kuchmer. Available at all fine kiosks, beer gardens and gastronomes. A simple mans history of Malorossiya written by a simple Maloros. In the Versii.com top ten for the last ten weeks. As a renowned literary critic has written in his review: "This is it boys and girls, the truth, the whole truth and nothing resembling the truth."
MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: Click Here